| | Since the last entry, my life reached its ultimate devastation when the love of my, Michael Joseph Jackson, had passed away on the 25th of June. Still in shock and disbelief, his memorial was this Tuesday, July 7 at the Staple Center in LA. I wanted more then anything to go. I use to say, if anything happened to Michael, I would go to California to be there for him, but due to money being a constant issue, I was unable to go. I did however, leave work early, ran off the B63 to the 3 train at Bergen, super walked to get 2 VHS tapes, had a taped in my hand already open before I got in and ran to the VCR. I only missed the famliy leaving the private service, but I got in within 12:50, 46mins from leaving the doc's office and it had started at 1pm. It was really beautiful. Again and again, I don't have a big vocabulary so I really don't have any other words to describe it. Simply beautiful is all I can say. Everyone one that was there was respectful and it was just something that Michael deserved. I cried the kind of tears that couldn't affect a empty heart but that had my nose and mouth quivering. By the time I got to the second tape, I figured I would need another so I went out to get 2 more. I missed about 5mins of the memorial to get the tape, but I really thought I needed. I was taping it after all so it was ok. My bf was originally going to tape it for me, but since I got in early then I expected, I told him he could stop. So, when I went outside, it was slightly drizzling bu the sky was so beautiful and scary at the same time. By the time I came out the store with the tapes, the sky was divided in sunny with white flurry clouds and dark blue gray. It looked like something I would see in a painting. I wish I had my camera with me to take a picture of it and maybe paint it sometime, but its always in my memories. Of course, I felt it was a sign from Michael. Seeing things like that in this hell doesn't really happen or I don't notice, so that was rare for a reason. I'm guessing that they have buried him already and completely respect and understand it being private. I would want to be there or see it but I understand. Since the 25th, I feel a emptiness that will always be apart of me, as Michael will be, but things are as every entry, the same. The little patience and tolerance I've had for things, has become even shorter. That isn't going to be good for my future interaction with people but what can I say about it. I need help mentally and emotionally. Been needing help for a years now but like everything else, no chance. My only relief for all this, it going out with my friends or bf. I really don't think of my troubles when I'm with them. I talk about problems but in a joking way. I should have gotten the weekly or 2 week metrocard with my pay but I wasn't sure if I would really be using it like alot. Thats $27 a week and if I do it everyone, that $108 a month. The realization of that much money being taken from my pay for transportation, just doesn't sit while. Everyone 2 weeks would be $102 a month and that is no matter. Getting the montly pass would be $89 dollars a month and that seems to make sense now. So, not check, most likely I'll end up getting it. If I have it, I can be out everyday and that is the only thing I can do to deal with this mess of life. |
| | Posted 7/10/2009 12:07 AM - 1 View - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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